I likes me some horror movies. I really likes me some zombie movies.

I don’t know why I prefer zombies to other movie monsters like vampires, werewolves, or carnivorous space porcupines. Maybe I just empathize with the zombies. They’re always hungry, they don’t say much, and they usually have dazed looks on their faces. In a lot of ways, I’m just like a zombie.

I’ve seen more than enough movies about cannibalistic reanimated corpses to know how to survive if/when such an event occurs. In fact, I have drawn up plans for a “zombie shelter” for my future house. It’s kind of like those bomb shelters people built back in the ’50s, but I’ll have a bunch of guns and chainsaws in it, and an incinerator for burning dead bodies before they become zombified.

Let me give you a quick run down of every zombie movie ever made: A virus, a government experiment, a passing comet, or some unexplained phenomena will cause the dead to come back to life. The living dead have a never ending hunger for human flesh. Initially, everyone is caught off guard and many perish to the first wave of zombie attacks. (That’s the first mistake. You have to be prepared for a zombie invasion at any moment, hence my zombie shelter). A few of the survivors cross paths and end up taking shelter in a farmhouse, a mall, etc. The demographics of the group vary, but you are almost always guaranteed a pretty white girl, a tough black guy, and an asshole. The asshole always dies. The group fends off the zombie assaults but these guys can be hard to kill. You can unload a clip in a zombie’s chest and he’ll keep coming. Eventually someone discovers that you can kill them if you destroy their brain. (Mistake number two. No matter the situation, always go for the headshot). Someone in the group will get bitten by a zombie, become sick, die, and come back to life. This person probably has a loved one in the group. For some reason the loved one doesn’t realize that this person is now a zombie and winds up being the next to die. (Mistake three. You have to be willing to kill your own grandmother on the spot if you suspect she is a zombie). The remaining survivors finally escape to a military base, an uninhabited area, or some other zombie safe shelter.

Back in what I like to refer to as the “golden age”, zombies were really slow and dumb. Even a chain smoker could out run a zombie Carl Lewis. There is some degree of safety in knowing that a zombie is too stupid to operate a door knob. They were really more of an annoyance than a threat. Recent movies, 28 Days Later and the Dawn of the Dead remake, depict zombies that are just as quick as humans. I find it hard to believe that a decomposing body can be so fast.

2 Responses to this post.

  1. Posted by superica on 01.05.04 at 1:48 pm

    i totally understand you! *nod nod* i didn’t think zombies could move faster than humans either. The slow moving inevidability of you being eaten is the key factor to the terror of zombies. i have yet to see the original dawn of the dead, but did they also have those flash-like abilities? lol

  2. Posted by Andy on 27.04.04 at 11:09 pm

    I think one key element that some zombie movies forget to encorporate is the scene where “pretty white girl” gets partially naked.

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