Hair Band Horror: Hard Rock Zombies

To my knowledge, Hard Rock Zombies is the only film to ever feature a one-eyed Nazi midget zombie. That alone should be worth the price of admission.

A band called Holy Moses travels to the town of Grand Guignol to perform. Along the way they pick up a female hitchhiker who offers to let the band stay at her family’s home. The family includes a German grandfather and werewolf grandmother who let their grandchildren watch them have sex, a tattooed bald guy who chops the heads off chickens, a man who hides in the bushes and takes photos of everyone, and two midgets: one wears an eye-patch and the other looks like a melted ventriloquist dummy.

Little People
Midgets always get the best roles.

The band’s lead singer, Jesse, meets a girl in town named Cassie. Cassie’s age is never given, but at one point she is called a “little girl” and Jesse writes a love song for her in which he says she is “too young”. The whole thing smells of pedophilia.

Jesse the Pedo
Yep, he’s a pedo.

At night, the family starts killing the band. Jesse is killed with a weedwacker, two guys are murdered by grandma werewolf, and one guy is stabbed while having sex with the hitchhiker in the shower. Somehow she managed to conceal a switchblade on her naked body. Afterwards, the family sits down to dinner with the town sheriff and the band’s manager, where grandpa reveals himself to be…

Hitler
Hitler!

Cassie visits the band’s graves and plays one of their tapes. The song happens to contain a medieval bass line that resurrects the dead. The band has no problem rising from their graves because they were buried under two inches of dirt and without coffins.

Shallow Graves
This must have been the cheapest funeral ever.

The zombies avenge their own deaths by killing Hitler and his family. Of course, as we all learned in Living Dead 101, a person killed by a zombie will inevitably become one. That means zombie Hitler and zombie werewolf Ava Braun are now on the loose.


One-eyed zombie midget Nazi

The townspeople decide to tie the virgin Cassie to a tree and let the zombies rape her to death. Somehow this is supposed to get rid of the undead plague. Instead, the band lures the other zombies into Hitler’s gas chamber where they are all disposed of.

Reasons to Watch:

  • Skinny dipping
  • Band member autographs a girl’s ass
  • Fast motion montage
  • Nazis
  • Electrocution
  • Old man talking about bestiality
  • Some guy gropes dead Ava Braun
  • Zombie midget eats own body
  • Age of consent?
  • Zombies hate heads

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