Best of the Worst Christmas Movies: Elves

Three teenage girls calling themselves the “Sisters of Anti-Christmas” gather in the middle of a forest for some kind of ceremony and unknowingly summon an elf. The main girl, Kirsten, lives with her evil mother, Nazi “grandfather”, and perverted little brother who likes to spy on her in the shower.

The headliner of this film is none other than Grizzly Adams himself, Mr. Dan Haggerty. He plays a detective named Mike who was fired for being an alcoholic. Mike takes a new job as a department store Santa after the previous Santa was killed by the elf.

This movie’s low budget is evident in the appearance of the elf. The only movements it is capable of are twisting it’s head and flailing it’s arms. It’s mouth is permanently agape.

The Elf


Mike uses his detective skills to uncover a few events in elven history. He learns that elves were aboard Noah’s ark, and that Nazi scientists used elves for genetic experiments to produce the master race.

Kirsten’s role in the Nazi-elf conspiracy is beyond belief. The following clip should sum it up.

The last image of the movie leaves things open for a sequel. In fact, a sequel was written but never filmed. I doubt it could have been better than the original.

Reasons to watch:

  • Bitch slapping
  • Cat drowning
  • Crotch stabbing
  • Chain smoking
  • Nazis
  • “Ninja gremlin”
  • Incest
  • Swastika boobs
  • Donatello TMNT pajamas

Best of the Worst Christmas Movies: Star Wars Holiday Special

Almost 30 years ago, in a galaxy not so far away, George Lucas approved the production of a Star Wars themed CBS holiday show. Because he was too busy working on The Empire Strikes Back, Lucas was unable to directly supervise the creation of the TV special. The resulting film aired only once and was promptly locked away in the Lucasfilm vault. Bootleg tapes were traded at conventions for years. Today, peer-to-peer file sharing has made the Star Wars Holiday special widely available.

Rewrites by the producers, and creative differences with the director resulted in a bastardization of Lucas’s original concept involving Han Solo and Chewbacca traveling to Kashyyyk to celebrate a Wookie holiday called Life Day. The majority of the story takes place in Chewie’s home where his wife, Malla, son, Lumpy, and father, Itchy, wait for his arrival. Luke Skywalker, Princess Leia, R2-D2, and C-3PO make brief appearances. CBS spared no expense in getting some huge guest stars, namely Art Carney, Harvey Korman, and Bea Arthur. Additionally, there are musical numbers by Diahann Carroll and Jefferson Starship.

The only redeeming portion of the special is an animated short that occurs near the halfway point. It marks the first ever appearance of Boba Fett.

The traditional Life Day celebration consists of Wookies donning red robes, holding snow globes, and reenacting the Bohemian Rhapsody video.

Wookie Kwanzaa

About 50 Wookies gather together at the base of a giant tree, and for some reason Luke, Leia, Han, R2, and 3PO show up again. A coked up Carrie Fisher sings a song to the tune of John Barry’s Star Wars theme and everyone leaves.

Reasons to watch:

  • X-Wing woodcarving
  • Cirque du Soleil holograms
  • Wookie pr0n
  • Lightsaber microphone
  • Recipe for Bantha Surprise
  • Bea Arthur singing in the cantina

Xmas Wishlist 2007

#6. Rinspeed sQuba. Just like James Bond’s Lotus Esprit in The Spy Who Loved Me.

#7. 5 foot Super Mario PVC figure.

#8. R2-D2 Home Theater.

Odd eBay Items

Push the Button Save the World

By bidding on this auction, you can prevent some dude from pushing a button on his doomsday device. Doomsday device, or 4 port USB hub?


Shot with BBs Shoot a guy with BBs

For every $2 bid, this guy will get shot with a BB gun from 10 inches away.


John Ritter's Ghost Ghost in a Plastic Container

This plastic container may or may not contain a ghost. And it may or may not be the ghost of John Ritter.


Best of the Worst Christmas Movies: Santa Claus Conquers the Martians

A title like Santa Claus Conquers the Martians evokes images of Santa traveling to the red planet to capture its inhabitants and enlsave them in his toy shop. That would be an awesome movie. A better title for this film would be Santa Claus Gets Kidnapped by Martians, Befriends Them, and Returns to Earth.

Troubled by the behavior of the children of Mars, the leader and his council chiefs pay a visit to Chochem, an elder who I’m fairly certain was George Lucas’s inspiration for Yoda. Chochem says that every generation of Martians has been forced to grow up too fast. In order for the kids to have a proper childhood, they need a Santa Claus.

Chochem, The Ancient One

The three main Martians we’re introduced to are Kimar, the leader and father of two little green kids (one of whom is played by a young Pia Zadora), Dropo, Mars’s version of Gilligan, and Voldar, the bad guy. We know Voldar is up to no good because he has a mustache. The typical Martian attire bears a striking resemblance to that of The Great Gazoo. Also, the Martian diet consists of ‘food pills’ that look a lot like jelly beans.

A group of Martians head for Earth with the intent of kidnapping Santa. Upon arriving, they ask two children, Billy and Betty, where the Jolly Old Elf can be found. Voldar insists that they need to abduct the children. I think he’s probably a pedophile.

The Martians reach the North Pole, and Kimar divulges his plan to use ‘Torg’ to capture Santa. Who or what Torg is is unclear at this point. Billy and Betty overhear the plan, escape, and attempt to warn Santa. They have a run in with a guy in a polar bear costume before being recaptured by Voldar.

Crappy Polar Bear

The green guys find Santa’s workshop and unleash Torg, a robot made from a cardboard box and aluminum foil.

Apparently, in this alternate universe, the existence of Santa is a well known fact. His kidnapping is on the front page of every paper, the United Nations holds an emergency meeting, and the space program launches a recovery mission.

Voldar ‘accidentally’ traps Santa and the kids in the air lock and tries to release them into the vacuum of space, but they easily escape through an air duct. This leads to a fight between Kimar and Voldar that looks like it was choreographed by the same folks who did the 1960s Batman series.

Back on Mars, Santa and the Martians build an automated toy factory. Voldar and his cronies plan to sabotage the toy machine and hold Santa hostage. For such a technologically advanced race, these Martians are pretty dumb. They can’t tell the difference between the real Santa and Dropo in a Santa costume.

Dropo Claus

They keep Dropo in a cave with an invisible ‘radiation curtain’ preventing his escape. Voldar finds the real Santa and attempts to do away with him for good. But Santa and the kids have other plans in mind. The children wail on him with baseball bats and tennis rackets while Santa laughs maniacally. The whole scene looks like something out of a nightmare.

Everyone learns the meaning of Christmas, or something like that. Santa and the kids return to Earth, and Dropo becomes the Santa of Mars.

Reasons to watch:
  • Martian parents drugging their children
  • Midgets
  • Torg
  • Greasy green makeup
  • Martian MILF
  • The Tickle Ray
  • It’s in the public domain, so you can see it for free at Archive.org

Sit

Scout was just barking at me to let me know she was out of food. I went to the kitchen to pour some more into her bowl, and I heard some yelling on the other side of the wall. Here’s what I heard:

Father: Sit down.
Son: No.
Father: Sit down.
Son: No, I don’t want to.
Father: Sit down now.
Son: What part of “No” don’t you understand?
Father: Sit down or I’ll beat the shit out of you.
Son: No you won’t.
Father: I know I won’t.
Son: Then why did you say it?
Father: Just sit down.

At this point I heard the sound of them wrestling around for about 5-10 seconds.

Son (yelling at the top of his lungs): Go ahead. Hit me. Hit me in the fucking face! Hit me in the fucking face!

After this I heard some stomping around and a door slam. Then all was quiet again.

Odd eBay Items

Graveyard Dirt Graveyard Dirt

Apparently this stuff will protect you from your enemies. Maybe. If you throw it in their face and run away.


Christmas Penis Bones Raccoon Penis Bone Christmas Ornaments

I’ve featured auctions for various animal penis bones in the past, but these are the first ones I’ve ever seen that have been turned into Christmas decorations.


Weird guitar Weird Guitar Hero Controller

Whaaa? Yes, I’m selling the guitar. Ever since I made it, I’ve been curious about how much I could sell it for. I feel like I’m selling my child. A child that has been hanging on the wall, collecting dust for the last few months. But, you can always make another one. Hopefully it will go to someone who will take care of it.