Breast-ercise

Has anyone seen the commercial for this exercise device that is supposed to increase a woman’s bust size? I saw it last week on Lifetime, or Estrogen, or one of those ladies channels. Not that I watch that kind of stuff. It just caught my eye as I was channel surfing.

Too bad men don’t have any exercise devices like that. Not that I would need it. I’m just saying that there are some men out there who do.

I’m going to watch a monster truck rally, or a Chuck Norris movie, or something manly like that now. And seriously, I don’t know what you’ve heard, but I don’t need any help down there.

Five Finger Discount

I’ve been having the worst trouble with those anti-shoplifting tags lately. It all started with that trip to the mall where they didn’t deactivate a tag, and I set off all kinds of alarms as I walked by the stores. It happened again about a week after that when I was leaving Wal-Mart.

Then I bought a bunch of DVDs at a store, and the girl working the register couldn’t get one of the tags to deactivate. She told me the alarm was going to go off when I left. I replied that if I had known this was going to happen I would have stuffed a few more DVDs in my pockets. She didn’t find that funny and she escorted me out the door.

I set the alarms off again as I was leaving CompUSA this week. The kid who checked me out had a hard enough time trying to put my merchandise in bags. I shouldn’t have been surprised that he failed to deactivate one of the tags. I just walked right out the door. No one tried to stop me. When I got home I saw that the tag in question was stuck to the outside of the box. Kind of a dumb place to put it.

I was curious as to what exactly was inside these tags so I opened one up and found two thin strips of metal. Here’s how it works.

#19. Eat at a KFC in Kentucky.

I thought this would be a lot easier than it was. From here I can be in Kentucky in no time. Surely there must be a KFC right across the border. Well, there isn’t. I pretty much have to go to Nashville or Knoxville and then on to Kentucky to find the closest KFC.

Sanders Cafe  I liked Leah’s suggestion of going to the first KFC. I did some research and found out that Colonel Sanders originally started selling his famous chicken at his cafe in Corbin, Kentucky. The Sanders’ Cafe has since been demolished and replaced with a restaurant/museum. The first Kentucky Fried Chicken franchise was actually opened in Salt Lake City, Utah.

I couldn’t justify making the trip just to eat some chicken. I did really need some computer stuff though. So I hit the CompUSA in Knoxville this morning, then headed up to Corbin, and made a quick pit stop at Indian Mountain State Park on the way back. That makes 17/54 state parks.

Legend has it that the Colonel’s ghost haunts the cafe, trying to protect his secret 11 herbs and spices. Okay, I made that up. But while I was eating my popcorn chicken I think I figured out what those spices are. Salt, pepper, parsley, sage, rosemary, thyme, earth, fire, wind, water, and heart.

Like the Summer Olympics only colder… and more boring.

Is anyone watching the Winter Olympics? I’m not. I have no interest in winter sports. For the most part, they’re pretty lame. Bobsledding? That’s just a step up from what I used to do on the hill behind my house when I was a kid. Curling? Looks kind of like shuffleboard to me, and the only people who play that are senior citizens. Figure skating? Don’t get me started.

The only cool sport in the Winter Olympics is the biathlon. I like to imagine a bunch of officials sitting around a table, perhaps high atop Mt. Olympus, trying to create a way to make skiing more exciting. Then one guy says, “What if we gave the skiers rifles?” Genius!

I’ve come up with a list of winter games that might get people like me more interested.

Polar Bear Wrestling
Snowball Fighting
Who Can Make the Biggest Avalanche
Ice Cream Eating Contest
Writing Your Name in the Snow (of course that would be a male only competition)
Air Hockey

The Small Time

If I were a counterfeiter I would forget the bills and make counterfeit coins. I could use them in vending machines or at arcades. And no one would notice until they emptied the machine. By then I would be long gone. Of course I would have to be careful about handling the fake coins so as not to leave my fingerprints on them.

Tax Man

My taxes are going to be a pain this year. Over the summer I worked for a company that had just declared bankruptcy. I’m not sure why, but they didn’t have me fill out a W2. Instead I just got a check from corporate headquarters every week for the full amount of my wages without the usual withholdings for income tax, Social Security, Medicare, etc. So now I guess I have to figure up how much I should have paid. I may not have even made enough money last year to have to file taxes. I’ll have to do some research on that. Maybe I’ll go ask the H&R Block guy in Wal-Mart and see what he would suggest.

Random Thought

Have you ever woken from a deep sleep and not recognized your bedroom? Then once you get your bearings you realize where you are and go back to sleep? That’s how I feel all the time.