Getting Tipsy

Every couple of weeks I order pizza. I’m always mystified about how much of a tip to give the delivery person. Most places charge a delivery fee now. The fee for my last order from Pizza Hut was $1.25. I doubt the delivery person sees much if any of that money. Generally I give about a $2 tip. I don’t know if that is good or bad.

I know when you eat at a restaurant you’re supposed to tip something like 15-18% of your bill. That doesn’t make since to me. The quality of the service will be the same whether I order a $20 meal or a $10 meal. Why should I have to pay more because I feel like eating a steak today instead of a chicken sandwich? I determine my tips by what the average meal would cost at that restaurant and then add or detract from it based on the service.

There are websites where waiters/waitresses who are dissatisfied with their tips will list the names of the tippers. That scares me. Now if I go eat somewhere and leave someone a tip that reflects on their poor service I have to wonder if they might take my name from the receipt and post it on the internet.

Walking into spider webs.

This is a little something I worked on last week. My spider web SG:

Spider Web Guitar

Remember what it looked like before. Now to come up with a theme for my other guitar.

Death to the King.

I don’t eat at Burger King very often. Incidents in my past have led me to think of it as one of the dirtiest fast food chains.

Today I went to Sears to buy a new camera. Why is it that you can’t just look around in a store without a salesman jumping up your ass, asking you if you need help, but when you actually need a salesman there are none to be found? Well, that’s a story for another day. On the way home I thought I would pick up something to eat and for some reason I decided to go to Burger King.

I went to the drive-thru and ordered the Chicken Fries combo meal. Chicken… in fry form? What will they think of next? I pulled up to the window to pay, and the girl asked me for an amount that sounded a couple dollars less than what I remembered seeing on the menu. With that in mind, I made sure to check the contents of the bag when she handed it to me. Sure enough she had given me the wrong order. When I pointed this out she apoligized and gave me the correct bag. I drove off thinking I just got away with getting my lunch for cheaper than what it should have cost.

Before I’m out of the parking lot I reach into the bag to grab a french fry, but don’t find any. They left out my fries! So I park it and run inside to demand my french fries. More apologies ensue.

I get home, sit down to eat, and find that they also failed to give me a straw. Normally that wouldn’t bother me, but because of everything else I went through it only added to my frustration. So I pop the lid off my Dr. Pepper and take a sip. The first thing I notice is that there is no ice in my cup. What the hell? But worst of all, my Dr. Pepper isn’t Dr. Pepper at all. It’s Coke. The only thing that kept me from throwing my drink across the room was knowing that I would eventually have to clean it up.

Oh yeah, Chicken Fries suck.

Cosmetic Scars

I got an idea for an interesting business today. A plastic surgery clinic that specializes in scars. Not removing scars. Giving them.

There’s a certain amount of mystery in scars. You see someone with a scar and you have to wonder what the story is behind it. If you give someone a scar they can make up their own story.

I think it would be cool to have one of those scars that starts at your forehead, jumps across your eye, and runs down your cheek. Like Blofeld in You Only Live Twice.

Monkey on my back.

Friends, I’ve been battling an addiction for many years. I’ve tried my best to keep it hidden. But now I want to kick the habit. And I know the first step to recovery is admitting I have a problem. So I’m coming forward today to tell everyone that I am hooked on… lip balm.

I started out as a casual user of Chap Stick, or just ‘stick’ as it’s called on the streets. It didn’t take long to develop a dependency and I moved on to harder substances like Carmex and Blistex Medicated. During my lowest point things got ugly. I was using several times a day. I’m ashamed of some of the disgusting things I did just to score a hit.

I tried to quit cold turkey in the past. The withdrawal was more than I could handle, and soon I was off the wagon again.

I expect that those of you who are close to me are now looking back and realizing that I showed all the warning signs. The shiny lips. The paraphernalia scattered throughout my home. When caught with lip balm I would always make up excuses like, “It’s not mine. I’m holding it for a friend.”

I’m going to join a 12-step program and hopefully, with the help of other addicts like myself, I can finally get clean and sober.

Other careers I should have pursued:

Radio DJ
Cryptozoologist
Drummer
Toy Developer
Archaeologist
Forest Ranger
Carpenter

Working on it.

While I have yet to cross a single thing off my list, I have been hard at work at some of the more time consuming ones. Over the break I practiced my card counting, did some obedience training with Banjo, and visited a couple state parks. I played a lot of Guitar Hero, but I’m not sure if it’s a game I will be able to master. Now that I’m back, I’ll be spending a little more of my free time over at the foosball table.

I’ve been thinking about what I want tattooed on my body. The decision is more difficult than I imagined. I keep coming to the conclusion that one day I will be 60, and do I really want to have a tattoo of Donkey Kong when I’m that old?

I’m eager to get at least one thing on the list accomplished soon. I may just drive to Kentucky and get some KFC in the next few days.