Adventures in grocery shopping.

When I do the grocery thing it’s usually very chaotic. Most people make shopping lists. Some people even arrange their lists in order from one aisle to the next. Not me. In the past whenever I made a list, 76% of the time I didn’t remember to bring it with me and 23% of the time I still forgot to get some of the stuff on it. When I walk into the store I go get the first thing I can think of. After that I go look for the next thing I need. So I’m usually running back and forth across the store.

I’m the Richard Petty of shopping cart driving. I carefully check each buggy before I choose the perfect one. There’s nothing I hate more than pushing a cart that wobbles or has a squeaky wheel. I even wrote a haiku about shopping carts.

Through the crowded aisles.
Sometimes only on two wheels.
I weave in and out.

Today I was in line behind this lady. First of all, she was wearing a wig. Have I ever mentioned that my ability to spot wigs is uncanny? I’m also fairly accurate at detecting hairpieces. Anyway, when it’s time for this lady to pay she spends six minutes searching through her purse for cash. Yeah, six whole minutes. I timed her. I would have jumped over to another lane but I already had everything laid out on the conveyor, and a guy just stepped in line behind me and started setting his stuff out. So this lady ends up having to use a card because she doesn’t have enough cash. I love that stores have the self-swipe credit card thing now, but cashiers should still be able to do it in case of stupid people. This lady was a Class 4 Moron. (I have developed a graduated scale of stupidity, but that’s another blog for another time.)

This lady is in her late 40s/early 50s and could fall into the category of “moderately obese”. Before she swipes her card she asks me to pull my buggy back. I do so, even though my buggy wasn’t preventing her from reaching the keypad. She tells the cashier she wants $10 cash back so the cashier instructs her on which buttons to push. For some reason the transaction didn’t process. The cashier tells her to try again and make sure she hits the DEBIT button instead of the EBT button. She swipes the card a couple times and nothing happens. I see that she’s swiping the wrong end of the card. I wanted to inform her, but I kept my mouth shut. She eventually had to get the girl that was bagging groceries to help her. Assuming that the problem has been resolved, the cashier and I looked at each other and breathed a collective sigh of relief. I pull out my wallet to get my Plus card ready and my buggy rolls forward about an inch.

But now the machine is reporting some kind of error. The cashier asks the lady if she is using a debit card or a credit card. Turns out it’s just a regular Master Card, and the lady gets mad when she finds out she can’t get cash back with it. She goes to swipe the card for a final time and in a disdainful tone tells me to move my cart out of the way. Apparently she is incapable of swiping her card unless the machine is directly in front of her right arm. Keep in mind, there is a guy with a buggy behind me so I don’t have a lot of room to work with.

She finally paid, signed her receipt, and spent another two minutes collecting the contents of her purse which she had dumped out on the counter during her search for cash. After the lady left, the cashier commented on how rude she had been to me, and the cashier in the next lane recalled an incident she had had with the same lady a couple of weeks ago.

This is the end.

The gamer awoke before dawn, he put his sneakers on.
He took some cash from the automated teller machine,
And he drove on down the road.
He went to the McDonald’s drive-thru, and… then he
Paid for a Sausage McGriddle, and then he
He drove on down the road.
And he came to EB… and he went inside.
Shopkeep. Yes sir. I want my pre-order.
Headcrabs… I’m going to… kill you.