Zombie.

I likes me some horror movies. I really likes me some zombie movies.

I don’t know why I prefer zombies to other movie monsters like vampires, werewolves, or carnivorous space porcupines. Maybe I just empathize with the zombies. They’re always hungry, they don’t say much, and they usually have dazed looks on their faces. In a lot of ways, I’m just like a zombie.

I’ve seen more than enough movies about cannibalistic reanimated corpses to know how to survive if/when such an event occurs. In fact, I have drawn up plans for a “zombie shelter” for my future house. It’s kind of like those bomb shelters people built back in the ’50s, but I’ll have a bunch of guns and chainsaws in it, and an incinerator for burning dead bodies before they become zombified.

Let me give you a quick run down of every zombie movie ever made: A virus, a government experiment, a passing comet, or some unexplained phenomena will cause the dead to come back to life. The living dead have a never ending hunger for human flesh. Initially, everyone is caught off guard and many perish to the first wave of zombie attacks. (That’s the first mistake. You have to be prepared for a zombie invasion at any moment, hence my zombie shelter). A few of the survivors cross paths and end up taking shelter in a farmhouse, a mall, etc. The demographics of the group vary, but you are almost always guaranteed a pretty white girl, a tough black guy, and an asshole. The asshole always dies. The group fends off the zombie assaults but these guys can be hard to kill. You can unload a clip in a zombie’s chest and he’ll keep coming. Eventually someone discovers that you can kill them if you destroy their brain. (Mistake number two. No matter the situation, always go for the headshot). Someone in the group will get bitten by a zombie, become sick, die, and come back to life. This person probably has a loved one in the group. For some reason the loved one doesn’t realize that this person is now a zombie and winds up being the next to die. (Mistake three. You have to be willing to kill your own grandmother on the spot if you suspect she is a zombie). The remaining survivors finally escape to a military base, an uninhabited area, or some other zombie safe shelter.

Back in what I like to refer to as the “golden age”, zombies were really slow and dumb. Even a chain smoker could out run a zombie Carl Lewis. There is some degree of safety in knowing that a zombie is too stupid to operate a door knob. They were really more of an annoyance than a threat. Recent movies, 28 Days Later and the Dawn of the Dead remake, depict zombies that are just as quick as humans. I find it hard to believe that a decomposing body can be so fast.

Watch TV.

There are people who want you to turn off your televisions next week. I for one am going to watch more TV than normal next week. I plan on watching two or three television sets simultaneously.

You’re paying for cable whether you use it or not. You might as well use it as much as possible.

I’m tired of hearing people say that TV “rots your brain” or “makes kids violent” or “rots your brain”. There are tribes in South America that have never seen a TV before and look at them. They don’t have jobs, they live in houses made from bark and grass, they sleep in the dirt, they run around with their junk hanging out, most of them are cannibals, and I’m pretty sure I heard one of them say something about your mom. If that isn’t solid evidence for the benefits of watching TV, I don’t know what is.

As excited as I get.

Originally, my truck should have been at the dealer Friday night. The old guy that was supposed to go pick it up forgot. He didn’t leave to go get it until sometime yesterday.

We got to the dealer around 3:00 yesterday. The truck wasn’t there yet so they went ahead and inspected my trade in. I don’t think they noticed the damage to the rear bumper from that time I backed into a ditch. I told them about how the front passenger’s door had to be replaced because some old man hit it in a parking lot less than a week after I got it. I think they also didn’t notice how the paint was chipping off of that door. I checked the Blue Book value not too long ago and I pessimistically expected to get $2000 out of it. I was surprised when they came back and said they’d give me $3000.

We waited around the lot, looked under the hood of a similar truck, and looked at several cars in the show room like a Corvette, that ugly SSR, and a Cadillac XLR. The head sales dude came up and said the old guy went to the wrong lot to get the truck. He gave us $20 to eat on and said he’d call us when the truck got there. We got a bite at Demos’ and mom wanted to go to Kmart and the mall. We got back to the dealer around 5:30 and the truck showed up a little while after that. I drove it around then came back and did the paperwork. The detailing guys left early so my sales guy and the head sales dude cleaned it up. After that, they set up the XM radio and I was on my way.

Right when I was getting back into town I got a call from Andy wanting to see the truck. So after the folks left I went over there and we went for a drive. We passed Steven on the road and we all pulled over in the Wendy’s parking lot so he could look at the truck.

Oh yeah, Eric will be glad to know that I got the free basketball.