Hair Band Horror: Rock 'n' Roll Nightmare

Rock ‘n’ Roll Nightmare, a.k.a. The Edge of Hell, was directed by the same guy who directed Black Roses, and was written and produced by Canadian body-builder/rock star Jon-Mikl Thor. Of course Thor also stars as the lead.

Thor
Thor!

A band called The Tritonz visits a farmhouse/recording studio to cut their new album. The house has a haunted oven and a bed that looks like a piano. At least we’re lead to believe there is a piano bed. We never really get to see it.

Death Oven
Dinner’s Ready

The movie follows the traditional formula: a group arrives at a remote location and get killed off one by one. The band members are so annoying that you want them all to die. The drummer’s accent changes between Australian and British. Halfway through the film he becomes possessed and reverts to an American accent. The rest of the band doesn’t seem to notice. Later, a hand bursts from his chest and grabs a girl’s boob.

Chest Hand
Not quite up to par with the FX in Alien

Cyclops monster puppets show up occasionally to smoke cigarettes and hock loogies in people’s coffee. I assume that their penile appearance was unintentional.

Wang?
Cock Monster

The last ten minutes of this film are inexplicable. I honestly can’t tell if Thor was unable to think of a way to end this thing or if he actually thought he wrote a clever twist ending. Turns out that everyone we just saw get killed were illusions created by Thor, who is really an archangel attempting to draw Satan out of hiding. Clad in a cape and metal thong, Thor challenges the Devil to a wrestling match. Satan summons some demon starfish to attack Thor, whose only defense is to catch the starfish and hold them against his chest.


The final battle

Believe it or not, this movie spawned a sequel 18 years later, Intercessor: Another Rock ‘n’ Roll Nightmare.

Reasons to Watch:

  • Thor!
  • Dish washing
  • Topless demon chick
  • Groupies
  • Chest hand boob grab
  • Thor’s 30 minute shower sex scene
  • Possessed chicken
  • Product placement
  • Thor’s uncanny ducking abilities

Hair Band Horror: Black Roses

If a movie could be judged by its first three minutes, this film would win the Academy Award for Outstanding Achievement in Awesomeness. A band of demons performs Lizzy Borden’s Me Against the World before a crowd of teenagers who suddenly turn into zombies and trample and old dude. Unfortunately, the remaining 80 minutes are full of cheese and bad acting.

Rock On
Rock On

Popular metal band Black Roses has chosen to open their first ever national tour in the sleepy little town of Mill Basin. Frightened parents, convinced that their children will be brainwashed by satanic lyrics, form a committee to prevent the band from putting on a show in the high school auditorium. The band is allowed to perform with the parents in attendance. Black Roses take the stage with an opening number that you would hear on any crappy radio station in the 80s. The adults, thinking they have misjudged the band, get up and leave. As soon as they are gone, lead singer Damian rips off his clothes and commences to rock.

Tame Damian Rock Damian
Damian before and after

The band turns some of the kids into zombies with gaping mouths. Others are influenced to kill their parents or even worse, destroy collectible action figures…


I have that same Aquaman figure sitting on my desk.

One of the kids, Tony, is listening to the latest Black Roses album. His dad, Big Pussy, notices that Tony’s ear is pierced. Big Pussy says that earrings are only for “pirates and faggots”. Afterwards a huge insect-creature pops out of the speaker, grabs Big Pussy’s face, and pulls him back into the speaker.

Big Pussy
Big Pussy gets whacked

The film’s hero is teacher Matthew Moorhouse, the Jaime Escalante of American Lit. He reminds me a lot of one of my college professors, both in manner of dress and mustache style. When confronted by monsters, Matt defends himself with an arsenal of terrible weapons, such as tennis balls and bass drum mallets.

 

Tennis Mallet
Deadly weapons

We see what are supposed to be the female lead’s bare breasts on two separate occasions. Body doubles are used instead. For some reason the same girl wasn’t used for both scenes, so the boobs look completely different each time.

And at the end of the movie, Tony’s arm catches on fire.


Is he calling his arm a “son of a bitch”?

Reasons to Watch:

  • Julie’s creepy step dad
  • Forum!
  • Naked demon chick
  • Justice League versus the fireplace
  • Strip gin
  • Boob fondling by candlelight
  • $0.46 for a gallon of gas

Hair Band Horror: Rocktober Blood

The combined popularity of MTV and slasher movies gave birth to a horror subgenre exclusive to the 1980s, Hair Band Horror. I’ll be discussing a few of these movies this month, beginning with the aptly titled Rocktober Blood.

The movie opens at a recording session, where Billy Eye, lead singer (and lead asshole) of the band Rocktober Blood is laying down the his vocal track. Try to ignore the fact that the lyrics to the song summarize the movie’s plot line. He leaves the studio for two minutes and returns with a pair of aviator sunglasses and the impulse to kill everyone in sight. Billy is about to kill Lynn, the band’s backup vocalist, when he is interrupted by a security guard.


Billy has the best rock scream in the biz.

Fast forward two years. Billy has been executed for the murders of 25 people, although we saw him only kill two. The remaining members of the band reunite under the new name Head Mistress. Lynn, whose testimonial sent Billy to the chair, has taken over duties as lead singer. The other band members (played by real metal band, Sorcery) are unimportant. They get very little screen time, except for Frankie whose apparent role is to wear a Halloween mask and do a pantomime/breakdancing routine.

Frankie the Mime
I’ll never get tired of that trapped-in-the-box gag.

Head Mistress is about to kick off a world tour, when Lynn has a run in with a guy who looks a lot like Billy Eye. Convinced that Billy isn’t dead, she gets some friends to help dig up his grave. Billy’s flesh has completely rotted away, but his eyeballs are perfectly intact and floating in the sockets. The prop guy wanted to remind you that Billy was a rock star, so he wrapped a bandanna around his bleached white skull.

Worm Food
Live fast, die young, and leave a good looking corpse.

If there’s one thing Billy likes more than killing, it’s taking the stairs. The director subjects us to an excessive amount of close up shots on Billy’s boots as he walks up and down step after step.


Boot-Step Compilation

During a concert, Billy sneaks on to the stage wearing Frankie’s mask. The band isn’t phased when “Frankie” grabs the mic and starts singing exactly like Billy Eye. During the performance, Billy kills some chicks who are chained to the stage and tosses their internal organs and a severed head into the crowd. This also fails to alarm anyone. Once Billy reveals himself, band manager Chris breaks the neck of a spare guitar over Billy’s shoulder. Billy manages to finish his song even though he is being electrocuted (by an unplugged guitar?) and bleeding profusely from the forehead and ears.

Kabong!
El Kabong!

Reasons to Watch:

  • Pinball
  • Naked hot tub
  • Naked bath tub
  • On stage nipple slips
  • Rick Righteous
  • Menstrual blood crank call
  • Iron to the throat
  • Weak plot twist
  • Microphone disembowelment

Fall 2008 TV Lineup

The new TV season has crept up on me this year. Once again, I’ve put together a list of season premiere dates for the shows that I currently watch, and new shows that I want to see.

Prison Break FOX Mon Sept 1

8:00 pm

Returning
Sons of Anarchy FX Wed Sept 3

10:00 pm

New
Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles FOX Mon Sept 8

8:00 pm

Returning
Fringe FOX Tue Sept 9

8:00 pm

New
House FOX Tue Sept 16

8:00 pm

Returning
Smallville CW Thu Sept 18

8:00 pm

Returning
It’s Always Sunny in Philidelphia FX Thu Sept 18

10:00 pm

Returning
Heroes NBC Mon Sept 22

9:00 pm

Returning
The Mentalist CBS Tue Sept 23

9:00 pm

New
My Name Is Earl NBC Thu Sept 25

8:00 pm

Returning
The Office NBC Thu Sept 25

9:00 pm

Returning
The Simpsons FOX Sun Sept 28

8:00 pm

Returning
Family Guy FOX Sun Sept 28

9:00 pm

Returning
Dexter SHO Sun Sept 28

9:00 pm

Returning
Chuck NBC Mon Sept 29

8:00 pm

Returning
Life NBC Mon Sept 29

10:00 pm

Returning
Pushing Daisies ABC Wed Oct 1

8:00 pm

Returning
Sanctuary SCIFI Wed Oct 3

9:00 pm

New
CSI CBS Thu Oct 9

9:00 pm

Returning
Eleventh Hour CBS Thu Oct 9

10:00 pm

New
Life on Mars ABC Thu Oct 9

10:00 pm

New
My Own Worst Enemy NBC Mon Oct 13

10:00 pm

New
Crusoe NBC Fri Oct 17

8:00 pm

New

I put these dates and times into a Windows Calendar for anyone who wants it. Get it.

I also put the weekly schedule into a table.

Fall 2008 TV Schedule

For a schedule of all the network shows, check Wikipedia.

I like to call it the CLiTT

Right now I have my Xbox 360 and PC networked together, with the PC’s dial-up connection shared. It allows me to connect to Xbox Live so I can download patches and gamerpics, and upload my achievements. I’ve attempted to use it for downloading small arcade games and other DLC, but the connection keeps dropping out. If I want anything bigger than 10MB, I have to take my 360 over to my sister’s house.

Once, I thought I was being clever by just taking my hard drive over there instead of my whole 360. I slapped the hard drive on Matt’s console and downloaded a few songs for Rock Band. When I put the drive back on my 360, the songs didn’t show up. Turns out that the content contains DRM that links it to the console that was used to download it. The only way I can play it on my console is if I’m online and logged into my Xbox Live account, which means I’d have the phone line tied up the whole time.

Lucky for me, Microsoft just released a content license transfer tool. Now, you can associate all the content you’ve downloaded under your GamerTag with one console. However, you’re only allowed to use it once per year.

TV Cancellations

Most TV shows have wrapped up the 2007-2008 season by now. Several of those were cut short by the writers strike. If you’ll recall, I started out the season with the intent of picking up ten new shows. I continued with several of them, but stopped watching Bionic Woman, Moonlight, New Amsterdam, and Flash Gordon. Apparently a lot of other people did also, because those shows were canceled. I was disappointed about the cancellations of Journeyman and Carpoolers, a show that wasn’t on my original list.

I went 3 for 4 on my cancellation predictions. The only one I was wrong about is Life, which turned out to be my favorite new show of the season. The other shows that will be returning are Reaper, Pushing Daises, Chuck, and Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles.

Liberty City

beating up hookers
mowing down pedestrians
molotov cocktails


up the fire escape
switch to my sniper rifle
another headshot


blowing through red lights
police chopper in the air
where’s a Pay ‘n’ Spray?