Aperture Science Handheld Portal Device Replica

By sheer dumb luck I was able to grab a Portal gun replica before they ran out of stock. With only 5000 produced, these things are in high demand. Several are being sold on eBay for 3 to 4 times the retail price.

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I’ve heard that some retailers just slap a UPS label right on the product box, and it arrives scuffed up and torn. I got my ASHPD  directly from NECA Club. It came shipped in a cardboard box, so the original packaging was in good shape.

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I’ll start with the good news. The gun is a spot-on reproduction of the one in the game. The construction feels mostly solid. The claws on the front aren’t flimsy, but do feel like they could break off if not handled with care.

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The gun grip inside is roomy enough to accommodate my big hands. A slide switch changes the light color, and a trigger activates the sound effects. The trigger and switch feel sturdy. They should stand up to frequent use. The red LEDs on the claws are super bright. The blue and orange lights look great. However, the light on top bleeds through the white plastic housing. The sound effects, while accurate to the game, don’t sound very clear.

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For the most part, this is a quality replica. But there is one glaring flaw that sours the entire product for me. Where the wire attaches to the top claw looks like it was glued together by my 3-year-old niece. I can’t believe this made it past quality control. There is super glue residue all over the place.

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I should be able to clean it up. The majority of the residue will probably wipe off with a little soap and water. Some of the heavier spots may require acetone.

The only NECA product I’ve purchased prior to this was the Bioshock EVE Hypo. That one also left me underwhelmed. The needle fell off right after I opened it, and the batteries inside were corroded. I’ll be leery of buying anything else from NECA in the future.

The Trifecta

Earlier this week I received a coupon from GameStop for $100 off a PS3.  After some debate I decided to bite.  Along with some trade ins and gift cards I walked out with a 160GB PS3 and God of War III for just under $90.  Now I own all three consoles, although the Wii hasn’t been used in a couple years.

Ready to splice

I got a new toy over the weekend.

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It’s a replica EVE Hypo from Bioshock.  I was disappointed after first pulling it out of the box.  The needle fell off and the blue LED inside didn’t light up.   But after gluing the needle back on and wiping some corrosion off the batteries it looks and works great.

Red Ringed

I’ve been having the worst luck with electronics lately. Last night I started a new game of Marvel Ulitmate Alliance 2 and halfway through the first level the screen started to go haywire. I rebooted my 360 and got the dreaded E 74 error message. Unfortunately, my 360 is out of warranty. If I want to send it to Microsoft to get it fixed, it’ll cost me $100. I might as well just buy a new 360 Arcade now that they’re $200. But before I do that, I’m going to attempt to fix this thing myself.

New Years Marathons

The New Years holiday is a notorius time for TV marathons. I’ve highlighted a few of the more interesting ones here:

Spider-Man (animated series) 12/31 6:00am – 01/01 5:00pm Toon Disney
The Twilight Zone 12/31 8:00am – 01/02 6:00am Sci Fi
Planet of the Apes 12/31 7:30pm – 01/01 8:30pm Encore Action
Clint Eastwood 12/31 5:15am – 01/01 12:00pm AMC
Looney Tunes 01/01 6:00am – 8:00pm Cartoon Network
Tom & Jerry 01/01 6:00am – 01/02 6:00am Boomerang
Monk 01/01 6:00am – 01/02 6:00am USA
The Honeymooners 01/01 10:00am – 10:00pm WGN

Fans of Warner Bros. animation should take note of the Looney Tunes marathon as they have been off the air since 2007. A full schedule can be found here.

Hair Band Horror: Hard Rock Zombies

To my knowledge, Hard Rock Zombies is the only film to ever feature a one-eyed Nazi midget zombie. That alone should be worth the price of admission.

A band called Holy Moses travels to the town of Grand Guignol to perform. Along the way they pick up a female hitchhiker who offers to let the band stay at her family’s home. The family includes a German grandfather and werewolf grandmother who let their grandchildren watch them have sex, a tattooed bald guy who chops the heads off chickens, a man who hides in the bushes and takes photos of everyone, and two midgets: one wears an eye-patch and the other looks like a melted ventriloquist dummy.

Little People
Midgets always get the best roles.

The band’s lead singer, Jesse, meets a girl in town named Cassie. Cassie’s age is never given, but at one point she is called a “little girl” and Jesse writes a love song for her in which he says she is “too young”. The whole thing smells of pedophilia.

Jesse the Pedo
Yep, he’s a pedo.

At night, the family starts killing the band. Jesse is killed with a weedwacker, two guys are murdered by grandma werewolf, and one guy is stabbed while having sex with the hitchhiker in the shower. Somehow she managed to conceal a switchblade on her naked body. Afterwards, the family sits down to dinner with the town sheriff and the band’s manager, where grandpa reveals himself to be…

Hitler
Hitler!

Cassie visits the band’s graves and plays one of their tapes. The song happens to contain a medieval bass line that resurrects the dead. The band has no problem rising from their graves because they were buried under two inches of dirt and without coffins.

Shallow Graves
This must have been the cheapest funeral ever.

The zombies avenge their own deaths by killing Hitler and his family. Of course, as we all learned in Living Dead 101, a person killed by a zombie will inevitably become one. That means zombie Hitler and zombie werewolf Ava Braun are now on the loose.


One-eyed zombie midget Nazi

The townspeople decide to tie the virgin Cassie to a tree and let the zombies rape her to death. Somehow this is supposed to get rid of the undead plague. Instead, the band lures the other zombies into Hitler’s gas chamber where they are all disposed of.

Reasons to Watch:

  • Skinny dipping
  • Band member autographs a girl’s ass
  • Fast motion montage
  • Nazis
  • Electrocution
  • Old man talking about bestiality
  • Some guy gropes dead Ava Braun
  • Zombie midget eats own body
  • Age of consent?
  • Zombies hate heads

Hair Band Horror: Paganini Horror

Nicolo Paganini was an Italian violinist, widely considered to be the greatest of all time. Paganini’s compositions were so celebrated that speculation arose that he had entered into a pact with the Devil. People who attended his performances claimed to have seen Satan appear at Paganini’s side, guiding his fingers as he played. Others declared that Paganini’s violin emulated the sound of weeping. Rumors began to circulate that he had trapped his wife’s soul in his violin and used her intestines to make its strings. When Paganini died, his compositions were hidden away.

Paganini
No one expects the Spanish Inquisition.

An unnamed, mostly female band is having trouble writing a hit song for their new album. The only male member buys an unreleased Paganini song from a mysterious man named Mr. Picket, played by Donald Pleasence. The band reworks Paganini’s melody into their new song, and hires a famed horror director to shoot their “video clip” in the mansion where Paganini killed his wife.

Devil mask
I’m simultaneously aroused and disturbed by this image.

When the girls perform the song, Paganini appears and starts stabbing people with a dagger hidden in his violin. They try to escape, but are prevented by one of those underground electric fences.


This electrocution effect is overused throughout the film.

The guitarist is found covered in blood and green slime. The women deduce that she was obviously killed by a wood fungus found on logs floating in certain European rivers. I’m not making that up. The band’s manager is crushed by an invisible wall until her head explodes.


“Your head a splode.”

When the sun rises, Paganini turns into a pile of dust. So I guess he was a vampire?

Reasons to Watch:

  • Bathtub electrocution
  • Hot guitarist
  • Hotter bass player
  • Donald Pleasence tossing cash off of a roof
  • Calculus graffiti
  • The invisible barrier